Grammar Rules

• Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
• And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
• It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
• Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat)
• Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
• Be more or less specific.
• Remarks in brackets (however relevant) are (usually) (but not always) unnecessary.
• Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
• No sentence fragments.
• Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
• Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
• Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
• One should NEVER generalize.
• Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
• Don't use no double negatives.
• Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
• One-word sentences? Eliminate.
• Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
• The passive voice is to be ignored.
• Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
• Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
• Kill all exclamation points!!!
• Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
• Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
• Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
• Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
• If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
• Puns are for children, not groan readers.
• Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
• Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
• Who needs rhetorical questions?
• Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

Birthday wishes!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

"I'd like to be six again," she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! 

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of  Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.  Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,  M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.  He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,

"Well Dear, what was it like being six again??"

Her eyes slowly opened and her _expression suddenly changed. 

"I meant my dress size, you dummy!"


The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Love in an elevator!?

WAYS TO ANNOY PEOPLE ON AN ELEVATOR

1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5) MEOW occasionally.
6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly
7) SAY -DING at each floor.
8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.
9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17) HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"
19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.
22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.

Star Wars Trek!?

The time machine!

Cake or Death?

How confuse an idiot!

Twilight fans!

I’ve completely lost control...

Drunk?

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00.

The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill."

In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"

The drunk replies, "You? No way! You get too violent when you drink."