Jag kommer sakna den mannen och jag vill hedra honom med ett par av hans bästa citat.
I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more
stuff.
You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who
did they play?
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say
that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the
sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible
man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any
of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and
smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and
scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely
scattered light by morning.
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going
faster is a maniac?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn
and cross it deliberately.
I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a
handbook.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed
to two pieces of wood.
Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
What year did Jesus think it was?
In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach
military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live
babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
The future will soon be a thing of the past.
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You
cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou
shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates
a hostile work environment.
“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major
religions, and even vegetarians!
Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less
crowded, and has a better view.
Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough
money not to quit.
“No comment” is a comment.
So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics
ought to be told not to fuck.
I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from
heights.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who
believe it.
It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all
the glory.
